"Eternal Despair of the Depressed Mind"

Here’s a typical Monday for me: 
Wake up abruptly at 5:00 a.m., anxious. Eyes barely open, I shoot up out of bed, frantic I overslept.
Check my phone. Sigh. 
Can’t fall back asleep again. I anxiously worry that I haven’t slept enough. Ironic as I think about how
the same thought kept me up the night before. 
An hour’s passed. I might as well accept I’m up. I grab my phone, check for more depressing news
about the coronavirus. More confirmed cases, more deaths, more racism. It never stops. 
Scroll through my Instagram when something catches my breath. Can’t remember what, but for
some reason I’m triggered. The familiar sense of dread starts to grow from the tiny seed it was to an overpowering, all encompassing state of being, the response involuntary. No control.
Now the trajectory of my day has been set. 
I get ready for work, barely present. I move through the motions like second nature. I hear my
stomach growl and try to remember the last time I ate. I can’t remember. I summon the desire to satiate my growling stomach, but I feel sick. I think I’ll wait for lunch. 
I work on some writing, taking breaks only to check the time when I feel I’ve earned it. Crippling
thoughts of the impending doom that is my life make their appearance throughout the day. But I type away, trying to ignore them. 
The last time I check for the time, I realize the day is over. I feel accomplished until I hear my
stomach growl again. Sh*t. I forgot to eat all day. 

 

Excuse the heavier-than-normal tone of this journal entry, but I wanted to get real with you after we dipped our toes into the proverbial pool of mental health last week. I’m not here to give you advice. Rather, I’m here to be vulnerable, weak even, so that I’m able to offer even an ounce of relatability. If you’re suffering from Depression, remember you’re not alone. I’m right here, and I’m still trying to find the balance. It may take a while to get out of the deep end, but until then, you can call 1-888-993-3112, or the Depression Hotline to speak with with a stranger. You can also go to Psychologytoday.com and check out some new psychiatrists. Remember, take care of yourself because you DO deserve it. 

With love,
Hailee

 

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